Looks So Easy Jokes, Humor and Fun Stuff One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with, and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her! .. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yes, yesterday we were recruiting you.... today you're an employee...." Memorial Stone A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone. "The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?" The widow says "Three carats." THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK 1.) Cinnamon 2.) Indubitably 3.) Innovative 4.) Preliminary 5.) Proliferation THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK 1.) British Constitution 2.) Loquacious Transubstantiate 3.) Passive-aggressive disorder 4.) Specificity THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK 1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex 2.) Nope, no more booze for me 3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type 4.) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight 5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing Do you know what a guy calls a girl that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose ??? What? "Darling" He Had Never Seen Her Naked A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull himout!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!" Go Ethal GO !!! Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corrider when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. STOP! he said in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing? Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. OK he said and away Ethel sped down the hall As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, STOP! Have you got proof of insurance? Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, carry on maam. Ethel neared the final corrider before the front door. Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand . "Oh god", said Ethel. "Not the breathalyzer again!" Andy Rooney Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 80+ year old US TV commentator) I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed.. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE? I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens.. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately! I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines. I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you. It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!" "I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries! I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. A WOMAN'S VIEW OF MEN 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) 5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS? (because they don't have penises to put them in) 6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON? (they're intended for children, but men usually play with them) 7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE? (they must have sex with someone they love from time to time...) 9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't shag women's legs at cocktail parties.) 10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a good copy) 11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE? (so he can tell if he's coming or going) 12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know...... it never happened) Smart Ladies vs Real Women Smart Ladies: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while its still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up". Real Women: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you WILL eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes." Smart Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares? Smart Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway. Smart ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. Real Women: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Smart ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Real Women: Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you. Smart Ladies: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. Real Women: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the pie crust, so I just don't do it. Smart Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it. And finally the most important tip... Smart Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Real Women: Leftover wine?!?! A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn... that was fun!" Barbie Dolls Inc. Announces The Release Today of 6 Models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the New Jersey Market : Livingston Barbie- This princess Barbie is only sold at the Short Hills Mall. She comes with Kenneth Cole 4-inch clunky shoes, an assortment of Kate Spade handbags and a Mercedes-Benz stretch limo. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken. Newark Barbie- This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows. Hoboken Barbie- This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, which cruises until 2:00 am. Paramus Barbie- This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. South Jersey Barbie- This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers. PLUS... Seaside Barbie: This gum-chewing, Trans-Am driving, Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear white pumps and walk on the boardwalk without your heel falling between the boards while you chase your Italian gold-chain wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark colored lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly nude color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise flared colored jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and Springsteen CD's, Big can of Stiff Stuff Hair Spray, 9 pre-paid tanning sessions, mirrored heart key-chain (won on the boardwalk) engraved with your Italian boyfriend's name! 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart 5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy 6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams 7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman 9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger 10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone 11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien 12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery 13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni 14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson 15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez 16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld 17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson 18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde 19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain 20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown 21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams 22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne 23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal 24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry 25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased AUTO REPAIR A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers." FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say: Red............cherry Yellow........lemon Green........lime Orange......orange Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste. Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're assholes!" The Attorney: There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud don't you ever stop?" TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX 10.You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the morning after. 1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. The True Origin of the Internet In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, who was sometimes called 'Amazon Dot Com.' And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all. Subject: GOLFING IN MONTANA The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray. There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via email, or from anyone else, do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take 2 friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order drinks, and after 3 rounds you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize you do not have 5 friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the pub and stay until you make at least 5 friends. Then retry. A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! HOW THE JEWS GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." "Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested." He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" they said, "how much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10." I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday," he said. Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school, and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then, write a letter to God, and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room, and sat down to write God a letter. Letter 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year, and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter, and started over. Letter 2: Dear God, This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter, and started again. Letter 3: Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote another letter. Letter 4: God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs, and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked, as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church, and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down, and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt, and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room, and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God. Letter 5: God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours Home | Links | Next